What's on the inside...

*I wrote this inFebruary on my old blog-but this is how I was feeling today and I'm thinking of abandoning the other one (shhh)...so, I put it here.  Maybe it will motivate me to get my crap together if I know someone read it!

Well, I did it. I finished off half a bag of peanut butter m&m's after having corn bread with honey butter for breakfast and before having Ramen noodles for lunch! I think date night tonight may involve a trip to find some pants in a bigger size...'cause I'm beginning to run out of options.


Why does it have to be so hard? I don't expect to be able to eat crap all day and look like a super model, but do I have to eat carrots and celery and drink nothing but water and exercise 2 hours a day to not have a muffin front? (I guess it's a good thing, I don't really have love handles...but I'm sure they could be arranged!) I don't usually eat like I did today, sometimes it's worse, usually it's better, but I just want to be normal! I don't want to obsess about food and my body and what I'm going to wear.

I didn't go to our stake humanitarian project last night for a myriad of reasons, but at the top of the list was this: It was cold...even for California. The pants I was wearing were capris, which means you can really only wear sandals or slip ons without socks... no way! Besides, Kelly called them "Billy Ocean Pants" last night, as in 'painted on jeans,' so obviously I'm rethinking my decision to have worn them out of the house already. I had zero desire to go stand in my closet, stare blankly into space and hope (yet again) that something will magically appear for me to wear. I know what's in there...I see it every day, and it sees me every day...we kind of have a stand off going on. Am I going to lose weight or are they going to D.I.?

I am not trying to complain, there are a lot of problems people have out there and on the scale (ha ha) of things, this isn't a crisis- I am blessed beyond compare. But s.e.r.i.o.u.s.l.y, seriously! We are taught that our bodies shouldn't be our focus, and I agree, but while mine is clearly not my focus, I sure spend a lot of time thinking about it. I believe it's what's inside that counts the most...but when what's on the inside starts showing up on the outside.... whoa!

I'm kind of an all or nothing type of girl...I am either a clean freak, or my house is in shambles for a week or two. I either read my scriptures daily or I don't know where they are. I either hit the gym 5 to 6 days a week and throw away every bit of unhealthy food, or...NOT. I am trying to work on 'moderation in all things', an inspired idea...but it's hard when you're programmed to be 'all or nothing.' Thus, my on-going debate: I really love food and I love to eat. It makes me happy...not in a creepy, childhood trauma, "food is the only thing that loved me" kind of way, just in a "dang, that pasta is off the chain!" - kind of way. Take my Ramen noodles...reminds me of my Grammy. I ate them religiously at her house (and Vienna sausage). She would bring them to me when I stayed home from school, "sick." One time she brought me some and I fixed them after she left. Sadly, they were from her food storage and were full of weevil. To this day it remains one of the most disappointing moments in my life (told you I led a blessed life). I almost tried to eat it, but I couldn't do it. I know they're not good for me...but they're good! Chocolate cake is good, cheesecake, steak, sour cream, butter and ice cream, it's all good, and I'm never, never going to not eat some of it. I guess I just don't need to eat ALL of it.